


can't get used to missing you

by be_the_one



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), Shadowhunters (TV) RPF, The Mortal Instruments (Movies), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: F/M, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Mentions of Suicide, Past Clace, Shadowhunters AU Mondays, and if not, clace all the way cuz why not, future clace, gets a little sad, i mean when is he not jealous, i'm a sucker for angsts with happy endings, i'm fairly certain there's a happy ending, izzy and simon are mean idiots, jace gets jealous, jace showing emotion/lil bit of angst, just a slut for sappy love stories, mentions of bullying, mentions of self harm, nah there should be one, present clace, sue me, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-19 09:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 4,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15506793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/be_the_one/pseuds/be_the_one
Summary: They were best friends.And then they were dating - a whirlwind of red and gold and passionate kisses and teenage love - until they weren’t.And then they were back to being friends again.After Clary breaks it off with him, Jace writes a series of letters about her, dedicated to her - though he has no intention of letting anyone read them. He watches, with a broken heart, as she spirals downward as an empty shell of the girl he used to love.A girl he still loved.If only he could admit it to himself.





	1. Yesterday

**Author's Note:**

> if the chapter titles get a little weird, and they're in no way relevant, it's 'cause they're from songs.  
> it doesn't make it any better, but okay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why she had to go, I don’t know, she wouldn’t say / I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday”

Clary. 

It’s happened. 

I’m taking advice from ratface. He doesn’t know it’s you I’m writing to, but he said it was how he got Isabelle to fall for him - by writing sappy love letters. Right. 

Of course, you’re never going to read these, because that’d be mortifying, and I’d never be able to live it down. I’m hopeless when it comes to my feelings. 

And you. 

I miss you. 

I don’t see how it’s possible to miss you so much, when we’re together all the time. 

But I do. 

I miss you so much it physically hurts. 

I miss running my hands through your hair when we kiss. I miss that utterly endearing gasp you make right before our lips meet. I miss being the reason why your cheeks are flushed, and why your lips are swollen and red. I miss you so much that when I look at you and think about all those things that I miss, I’m unable to form a single coherent thought that doesn’t bring me to my knees. 

Why won’t you tell me what I did wrong? 

We’re friends. Best friends, if you’re willing to go that far. It’s better than nothing - actually, it’s better than most things.  ~~ But no platonic relationship is going to make me forget what it’s like being in love with you. And knowing you felt it too.  ~~

~~ Is that what you wanted to hear? That I’m in love with you? ~~

~~ I love you. ~~

~~ I’ll say it whenever you want. I’ll say it every day. I’ll say it every minute of every day. I won’t stop saying it until you tell me to. Maybe not even then ~~

~~ I love you, Clary. Come back. ~~

I want you back. I need you back. I can’t remember the last time you laughed, or the last time you looked truly happy. Not even when you’re drawing in your sketchbook. I can’t remember the last time you’ve let me look in that, either. 

You’re not Clary. 

You’re a shell. 

I miss you.

~~ I love you. ~~

Come back to me. 

Please. 

 


	2. Big Girls Don't Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Silly girl, Shame on You, you're crying in bed? / Silly girl, Shame on you, you told me lies! Big girls do cry."

Clary.

You stayed over tonight. Max spilled juice on your clothes, and you wore one of my sweaters. It looked huge on you - like it was about to swallow you whole. I’ve never realized how skinny you’ve gotten. Have you been eating enough?

When you walked out of the bathroom, I swear my heart stopped.

I miss you wearing my clothes.

We watched that show you like - Doctor Who, I think. I’m not sure, because I was watching you.

You were never close enough.

If I moved closer, you would move away.

Whatever part of me that healed when I saw you in my clothes, broke again.

You were so close, but so completely out of reach.

You fell asleep during the third episode. I didn’t want to wake you, so I carried you to my bed. You didn’t wake up for dinner, or even after. You were asleep when I laid down next to you.

Your hair was sprawled over the pillows like fire. I used to be obsessed with it - I still am. When was the last time you had a full night’s sleep?

I woke up in the middle of the night. You were crying.

You - Clary Fray - the strongest person I know - crying.

My breathing hitched, and you froze. You didn’t move for the longest time. I almost passed it off as my imagination, but then I saw your shoulders shaking,

“Clary.” I’d whispered.

You froze again.

I said your name again, slowly, because I knew you were awake. You didn’t turn around until minutes later, and it didn’t look like you’d been crying at all.

You said I’d probably dreamt it. You were so convincing that I almost thought I had.

So I pulled you close to me - your back pressed against my chest. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed your heat.

But then you pushed my arm off you. You said, “Don’t.”

I tried again.

You shifted further away, and I saw those tears you’d been trying to hide.

You turned your back on me.

And after you thought I’d fallen asleep again, your sobs reappeared. You didn’t try to muffle it - thinking that I was too far away from consciousness to hear.

What you didn’t know - what you would’ve known if you’d just turned around - was that I felt every tear, every sob. And I was with you the entire time - with silent tears of my own dripping down the bridge of my nose as I watched ~~the girl I loved~~ you fall to pieces.

Clary.

~~I love you.~~

Come back to me.


	3. Need You Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door / Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before. / And I wonder if I ever cross your mind. / For me it happens all the time"

Clary.

You said you were going to Java Jones to meet ratface, just like you’ve been doing every Wednesday.

He says the two of you haven’t hung out together in months.

Months.

You said you’ve been with him every week.

So I went looking for you.

I found you, but you already knew that.

I found you with Sebastian Verlac, kissing as if your lives depended on it.

His hands were gripping your shoulders - you hated it when I did that - why were you letting him do it? And your hands were tangled in his hair. Hair the color of platinum.

Not gold.

When you broke apart, I thought you’d punch him and stalk off, but instead, you smiled.

You smiled at him.

A soft, stunning, beautiful smile that turned your eyes into the emeralds they once reminded me of.

I couldn’t remember the last time you smiled at me like that.

I couldn’t remember the last time you smiled when I was around at all.

We were friends, right?

But here you were - giving him one of those precious smiles like you’d done it all the time. He bent down to kiss you again.

And then I was running for the two of you - pulling him away - throwing him against the lockers.

I punched him, over and over, but I wasn’t seeing him. I was seeing red - exactly the same shade of your hair.

You’d pulled me away then - flinging me into the lockers. I could only watch as Sebastian scrambled to his feet and ran.

He ran.

Away from you.

Away from us.

He left you - just like that.

You looked at me with a fire in your eyes that I hadn’t seen in a long time - though never, had it ever been directed at me.

You were disgusted, when you stared me down.

And then you were running.

You slapped me - a sharp, stinging blow to the side of my face - and ran after him.

I looked down at my hands and saw only blood.

For a sick second, it looked exactly like the shade of your hair.

Clary.

~~I love you.~~

I’m sorry.

I need you.


	4. Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I walk a lonely road / The only one that I have ever known / Don't know where it goes / But it's only me, and I walk alone/ I walk this empty street / On the boulevard of broken dreams / Where the city sleeps / And I'm the only one, and I walk alone”

Clary.

Oh god, Clary.

Why?

How long?

I saw them - those thin red scars on your wrist.

You were tying your hair during lunch, and your sleeves slipped down - how have I not noticed that you’ve only been wearing long sleeves?

I tried to talk to you - but you’d slammed your locker shut and walked away.

You didn’t show up for class.

You didn’t pick up your phone.

I went over to your house, but Jocelyn said you hadn’t gone home.

So I sat on the front porch and waited for you.

I waited.

And waited.

Until I saw Sebastian’s car pull up, with you in it.

You were singing - belting at the top of your lungs to Twenty One Pilots. I heard your happiness through the open windows, and saw your hand sticking out the window, as if you were trying to catch the wind.

And he looked at you the way I know I look at you. Like you hung the moon and stars.

You might as well have. You’re amazing enough to have. ~~But even if you hadn’t, I’d still love you.~~

I hid in the shadows when I saw him lean over to kiss you.

He walked you to the front door.

And he said - what did he tell you, Clary?

That he loved you.

You watched him drive off. You continued watching even when he was far out of sight. I saw the tears streaming down your face when you turned around and walked into your house.

I was still there - waiting in the shadows,

With words I didn’t know how to say.

Clary.

~~I love you.~~

I miss you.

I'm so sorry.


	5. How Do You Get That Lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How do you get that lonely / Feel that empty / Hurt that bad / That death seems like the only option?”

Clary.

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. I’m sorry I left last night. I’m sorry that it’s because of me, you-

Do you know where you are right now?

You’re in the emergency room, getting your stomach pumped, after you’d overdosed on oxys.

You took too many on purpose.

I got the call hours ago, when they were loading you into the ambulance, and I was drenched from the pouring rain - after I’d walked home in pieces after seeing you and Sebastian together.

After hearing him tell you he loved you.

 

Your mom found you unconscious in your bathtub. She called and told me to get your things from your room for when you woke up.

Not if. When.

You’ll be okay.

You can’t leave me.

I went to your bathroom - with the overflowing tub, and the empty bottle of pain medication, and the small pack of razor blades in hidden in the corner of your dresser drawer.

I saw your sketchbook from where you must’ve flung it, and hadn’t realized where it landed - because there’s no way you’d known where it was and hadn’t gone to pick it up.

It was in your wastepaper basket.

I saw your drawings.

I saw me - my eyes, my hair, my words, my music - everywhere.

I saw me, mixed with sadness, and pain, and heartbreak, and chaos, and anger, and frustration, and depression.

I saw your demons.

When did I go from being the guy you were in love with to one of your demons?

Clary.

~~I love you.~~

~~I didn’t mean to.~~

Please be okay.


	6. I Heard it Through the Grapevine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I know that a man ain't supposed to cry, but these tears I can't hold inside. / Losing you would end my life, you see, ‘cause you mean that much to me."

Clary. 

You haven’t woken up. 

You’re alive. 

But you’re not awake. 

Did I tell you, that at first - before I really looked at them - your drawings took my breath away?

Well, they did. 

That seems to be a common reaction when you’re involved. 

Everything you do - everything you are - stuns me to silence, and sometimes I forget to breathe, and I’m in danger of passing out. 

All because I’m in love with you. 

There. I’ve said it. 

I’m in love with you. 

I love you so much that I want to scream it from the roof of a building - any building - and declare to the world that I, Jace Jonathan Christopher Lightwood Herondale, am in love with you, Clarissa Adele Fray. 

Because I am. 

I’m so in love with you. 

And you might never know. 

If only you’ll wake up.

Clary,

Please don’t leave me. 

I love you.


	7. Loser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re getting closer to pushing me off life’s little edge / ‘Cause I’m a loser / And sooner or later you know I’ll be dead / You’re getting closer / You’re holding the rope and I’m taking the fall”

Clary. 

Isabelle told me. 

About her, and Kaelie and Seelie and Meliorn. Even ratface. 

And I’m crying over your completely-still-but-not-dead body, and I have no idea how it got to this point. 

Kaelie and Seelie’s snarky comments, threatening notes, and even that voodoo doll you found in your locker - I never would have left you. And if you had chosen to cut me off completely, I would have fought you every step of the way.

Turned out well, didn’t it?

Isabelle and Simon, and their doubtful glances and scheming- it’s wasn’t that you didn’t deserve me. You deserved more. I was the one who wasn’t good enough for you.

And you are the most important thing in my life, no matter what he said. I was always serious about you. 

I will always be serious about you. 

And Raphael - when the four of them dragged him into the mess and he forced himself on you, while they watched and took pictures - and threatened to send them to me. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you. I wish you’d trusted me enough to know that I would have let you explain. I wish you had enough faith in me to know that my love for you was unconditional - and forever.

Max loved you. He still does. 

Alec may not have done anything about it then, but he likes you too. Magnus may not have shown that he cared - but he does. He cares. They’ve been coming here every day after school.

I, however, haven’t been going to school all. 

How can I? When there’s no one I want to see? Except you, but you’re still asleep.

Maybe you’ll be glad to know that no one talks to Isabelle at home. Not even our parents. 

Maybe you’ll be glad to know that ratface has been going to school in the same stinking outfit for the past week, and Alec has made it a point to bump into him everytime they pass each other in the hall. 

Maybe you’ll be glad to know that Magnus has been torturing Kaelie and Seelie exactly how they’ve tortured everyone else. 

Maybe you’ll be glad to know that I’ve told Alec to kick Meliorn off the football team, and he has no one at his side now. 

Maybe you won’t. 

Maybe you won’t be glad, because you’re Clary Fray, and you still have a heart of pure gold - with the exception of the fiery things that spew out of your mouth. 

Maybe you’ll be pissed as hell - because there’s no point anymore - not when you’ve lost all hope in everyone - because someone should’ve done something earlier - before they broke you. 

But I won’t know, because you’re still unconscious, and you’re not moving at all, and I only know you’re alive because of the beeping heart monitor beside your cot, that tells me that while you’re still _alive_ , you’re not _okay_. 

Clary. 

I love you. 

Wake up, please. 

For me. 

If you still want me.


	8. Last Resort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Cut my life into pieces / I’ve reached my last resort, suffocation, no breathing / Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding / Would it be wrong / Would it be right / If I took my life tonight, chances are I might / Mutilation out of sight and I’m contemplating suicide / ‘Cause I’m losing my sight, losing my mind”

Clary. 

You’re awake. 

I don’t know what I was expecting. 

Definitely not the distinctive crack I swear I heard when my heart - after everything I’ve felt- shattered into a million pieces minutes after you woke up. 

How could it not have broke?

When I saw you open your eyes, and turn into a screaming, crying mess of broken pieces who had lunged for the scalpel on the table? 

When I saw that wave of despair wash away the things I loved most about you when you realized you were no longer sleeping. 

When I saw the pain etched forever in your eyes when you came to the conclusion that you were still alive.

When I saw you struggle against the slumber that threatened to overtake you from the sedatives that dripped through the needle stuck in the crook of your arm.

Do you remember what you said to me? You might not. 

I’ll never forget it.

“I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”

And I know what you were trying to say.

You know what my favorite book is. 

You borrowed It’s Kind of a Funny Story from me weeks ago. 

You asked for the book.

And I gave it to you, without thinking anything of it.

Like how I never thought anything about you eating just half an apple for lunch, claiming that you ‘weren’t hungry’. 

Or when you’d opened your locker, only to slam it shut again.

Or when you’d started shaking when we were together, because you saw Isabelle approaching us - with her high ponytail, heeled boots, and bitchy smirk. 

Or when you’d disappeared to the bathroom in the middle of class, and came back pale and sweaty. 

I’m so sorry. 

Because, I know now, that while they might have been the ones who broke you, I had blindly walked over those pieces, and crushed them with my silence, until there was no hope left. 

I’m so sorry. 

I didn’t mean to.

And I know you know I didn’t mean to.

But I’d done it anyway.

And you’d loved me despite it. 

I know you’d loved me. 

Who else had the power to break your heart like I had, if you weren’t in love with me?

I love you. Really, I do.

And I know you won’t forgive me.

And I don’t want you to forgive me.

But I love you.

That’s why it’s the ones we love, that have to most power to hurt us, because they hold our heart in their hands. 

Clary. 

I’m so sorry.


	9. Fade to Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Life seems to fade away / Drifting further everyday / Getting lost within myself / Nothing matters to no one else / I have lost the will to live / Simply nothing more to give”

Clary.

You won’t talk.

You won’t eat. 

You won’t drink.

You won’t even get up to use the bathroom.

Do you know who comes and goes from your room?

I can’t imagine you do.

You never look at the door. 

You never look at me when I walk in and sit next to you.

The only reason I know you know I’m there is because you pull your hand away from mine when I hold it. 

And it breaks my heart even further, because I know it’s my fault. 

It’s my fault you’re a shell. 

It’s my fault you’re so completely empty. 

And I’ve been talking to you, but I don’t know if you can hear me, because you haven’t reacted to a thing I’ve said.

I haven’t told you the most important thing of all. 

I love you. 

I can’t, because I don’t deserve even a fraction of you anymore.

Maybe I did before, but not anymore. 

I love you, Clary.

Even though I’m not supposed to.


	10. First Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I remember falling in love with you / Smoking cigarettes on the tailgate / Man, it seems like it was yesterday / When Main Street felt like Park Avenue / And when I’m driving through any old small town / I turn my stereo up and roll my windows down / ‘Cause it reminds me of my first kiss / And those days that I always miss”

Clary.

Do you remember your first kiss?

I do.

You were 13, and it was with me.

You said that you were afraid - that you’d be disappointed if it wasn’t everything you’d hoped for, or that you’d screw up.

So, I offered to be your first kiss. 

I mean, how could anyone deny that I’m a great kisser? 

You agreed. 

And after - you told me that you were glad it was with me. Because I was your best friend. And you loved me. And you hadn’t been disappointed - at all. It was better than you’d hoped.

Again, how could it not have been? It was me, after all.

But you didn’t have anything to worry about, because that was the best kiss I’d ever had.

I told you that, and when you face melted into your hair and you looked down at your sandals, I finally allowed a blush of my own to creep up my neck and take over my face. 

Except, I didn’t tell you, that it didn’t matter that I’d kissed more girls than I could count with both hands, because once our lips touched, I’d forgotten everything I learnt from all those kisses. I forgot that I’d even been kissed before.

So, in a way, you were my first.

Because you were the only girl I’d actually cared about. 

Even then, I knew I loved you. 

Everyone knew I loved you. 

Everyone knows that I still do. 

Everyone except you.


	11. War of Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can’t help but love you / Even though I try not to / I can’t help but want you / I know that I’d die without you”

Clary.

They say that love turns the sanest of people crazy. 

I didn’t believe that until now.

It’s been two weeks since you woke up.

It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard words come out of your mouth.

It’s been one week and four days since I’ve seen you do anything other than stare out the window.

And I think I’m crazy.

I see you,

I hear you,

I feel you,

In everything. 

In the doodles on the corner of a worksheet;

In the sharp smell of paint when I walk through the art hall;

When I put on my shirt in the morning, and remember how much you used to love wearing them when you stayed over;

When the bitter smell of black coffee hits me every time I walk in Java Jones to buy a blueberry muffin;

I hear you every time Twenty One Pilots plays on the radio; or Panic at the Disco, or the Fray, or Five Seconds of Summer, or Hey Violet, or Ruelle, or Halsey - every artist you’ve ever listened to - every song you’ve ever sung to in front of me; 

Even in my music. 

I didn’t tell you, that aside from family, I’ve never played for anyone before. 

I didn’t tell you, that all the songs I’ve composed - were for you. 

You’re not dead - I know that.

Your organs are functioning, your brain is whirling, your nerves are working, your heart is beating, your blood is running through your veins, your lungs are taking in oxygen - but you’re not alive. 

Sometimes, when I screw up, or when I do something incredibly idiotic, I can almost hear you taunting me; laughing at me.

You even appear in my dreams - if I manage to fall asleep without you.

And honestly, having you as a constant figment of my imagination doesn’t seem like such a bad way to keep you with me, either. 

But I’ve felt, I’ve touched, I’ve seen, I’ve held, and I’ve loved, and I’ve talked to the real Clary.

No matter how vivid my dreams are - no matter how much it feels like you’re with me in that very moment - a hallucination from my battered mind is nothing compared to reality. 

Clary. 

Come back to me. 

I need you.

I love you.


	12. How I Miss You Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I wanna say sorry / Oh, but it ain’t a strong enough word / For once in my life I’m sincere / And I mean every word” “I wanna say sorry / Oh, but it ain’t a strong enough word / For once in my life I’m sincere / And I mean every word”

Clary.

I didn’t think it would work.

It wasn’t even my idea.

It was Max’s.

He saw me writing when he came to visit you.

You didn’t acknowledge him, either.

Did you know he left in tears? 

He says he misses you.

Anyways, I’d thought I’d give the idea a try - I just didn’t think it would work. 

The results aren’t miraculous in any sense, but they may as well be.

I was originally going to give the pieces of paper to you, and have you read it at your own pace. 

But you didn’t even twitch when I set the box next to you. 

So I took the first letter out, and read it to you.

When I looked up again, you hadn’t moved.

Still in the same position you’ve been in for weeks.

I didn’t think you were listening. 

But I read the second one anyway, and when I finished that, I looked up, 

Your eyes were on me. 

For the first time in weeks, you were looking at me - really looking at me. 

And I realized that even after knowing you my entire life, 

I had never remembered the color of your eyes properly. 

But then you looked away two seconds later, and the spell broke. 

So I read the third one. 

And a fourth. 

And when I’d looked up again, your eyes were glistening with unshed tears. 

They never fell; 

But the sight of them wrecked me so badly that I couldn’t continue. 

Tomorrow, maybe. 

Clary.

I love you. 

Never forget it.


	13. Don't Deserve You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t deserve your love / But you give it to me anyway / Can’t get enough / You’re everything I need”

Clary.

I read the fifth letter today.

Just the fifth. 

The one I’d written when you were in the emergency room.

The one I’d written after I saw your sketchbook.

I read it to you.

And every ounce of pain I’d felt then; I felt again when I was reading.

I think you must have known I felt it, because you put a hand on my wrist.

For comfort, I think.

It had stopped me mid-sentence and turned me into a stuttering fool. 

The feeling of your skin on mine- 

It’s the first time I’ve touched you in weeks. 

It took me minutes to regain my ability to form coherent words.

I think you were amused by my reaction.

The corner of your lips twisted upwards, and I gaped at you like a fish.

I was still stumbling over my words when I continued reading much, much later.

And, seven minutes ago, it had hit me.

That out of the two of us, 

You were the most broken.

You were the most bruised.

You were the most hurt.

You were the most shattered.

I was nothing but a supporting character, that felt only a fraction of what you did.

And yet, right then, 

You had been the one to comfort me. 

Clary.

I don’t deserve you.

But if - somehow - by some miracle - I get you back, 

I’m going to spend every damned second of every day making it up to you.

Because I love you.


	14. Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I won’t run, I won’t fly / I will never make it by / Without you, without you / I can’t rest, I can’t fight / All I need is you and I / Without you, without you”

Clary.

I suppose this is one of the last letters I’ll write.

But then again, 

I don’t know.

It’s rather therapeutic, actually. 

You know - getting in touch with my emotions. 

Do you think I have the potential to be a poet? 

Probably not.

I don’t think speaking in rhymes for the rest of life would work out very well.

And, yes, I know, rhyming isn’t really in the job description.

But still. 

I can feel your eyes rolling.

 

So.

I read you that sixth letter.

The one where I stop being an idiot.

And I realize just how much I love you.

I was almost about to skip it - along with all the 'I love you's' in the rest of the letters. 

But I didn’t.

Because I figured that you had to know.

And if you no longer felt the same,

If you hated me too much for letting you spiral so far out of reach, 

I’d leave you alone.

It would kill me to stay away.

But I’d do it.

Because I love you.

I’d just needed to let you know.

And once I’d started reading, I didn’t want to stop;

Didn’t want to risk the chance of you cutting off all ties with me, before you knew every thought that had gone through my head. 

So when you opened your mouth to speak - for the first time in a month,

I told you to wait.

And you stayed silent, 

While I kept my head down low, 

So you couldn’t see the tears that’d rolled down my face, 

That created an artwork of paint splatters across the pages.

And when it was finally over, 

And the letters were in a stack beside your feet, 

I glanced up;

And you were crying.

The tears were falling freely - uncontrolled, and relentlessly.

And, so softly, that I’d barely heard it at first, you had said you loved me.

You repeated it again, louder, along with other words. 

I think your line was, “You could’ve saved a whole lot of time if you’d started with that. Jace Herondale, you freaking idiot, I love you too.” 

And then you smiled.

You smiled a heartbreakingly gorgeous smile, that held years’ worth of pain, sadness, longing, hope, and happiness.

And I swore I heard a soft clink, as the pieces of my heart rearranged itself. 

I held you close to me, later that night, and you fell asleep in my arms, with your hair fanned out across my chest. 

I couldn’t sleep at all.

I didn’t want to.

And though it sounds creepy to admit, 

But I was perfectly content with watching you sleep the entire night. 

Because I love you.

Clary.

I love you.


	15. Numbers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Out of the seven billion people in the world, there’s only you / Almost a million words I could say, but none of them will do / So many years that I have lived, but it feels like I’ve just begun / Out of the seven million people, baby, you’re the only one.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.  
> Last chapter.  
> I feel like I'm not feeling sad enough.  
> I guess I'm just an emotionally constipated human being.  
> Oh well.  
> If you've made it to the very end of this trash,  
> I commend you.  
> For your perseverance,  
> For your-  
> Yeah. That's all I got.  
> But thanks, really, for reading something that's probably an absolute waste of your precious time - you won't get it back.  
> Also, if you could comment to tell me how i'd be able to improve, that'd be great too.  
> Anyways, thanks.

Clary. 

There are 7.6 billion people in the world.

7.6 billion.

8.538 million are in New York City.

I could have met any one of them.

I could have fallen in love with any one of them.

But I didn’t.

I fell in love with you.

I fell in love with you the moment you punched me in the face for trying to kiss you in the first grade.

I fell even deeper in love with you when you’d declared that gender roles were overrated, and played the Mad King for our 5th grade drama production.

And in 6th grade, when you slipped and bashed your head in the corner of your desk, but went to school with a black eye and told everyone you got in a fight. 

And when Seelie tried to trip you during 8th-grade graduation, you ‘fell’ and spilled red punch on her dress.

And every smile;

Every wink;

Every touch;

Every glance;

Every kiss; 

Had me falling deeper in love with you, until it became my entire being. 

And I don’t regret a second of it.

Clary.

I love you.

And you love me.


End file.
